Here’s ten more sūtras. (If you are judging me as totally unenlightened for having such unmitigated gall to think I can translate a sūtra, just remember that judging other people is unenlightened. Just saying.)
I.31 Still distracted? Get over yourself. And stop with the heavy mouth breathing while you’re at it.
I.32 You are not Gandhi. In this life you are more like Homer Simpson. Keep your eyes on the prize anyway.
I.33 To achieve an exalted state of consciousness, remember: your Mom was right when she said if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
I.34 Or (to achieve an exalted state of consciousness), remain calm: exhale and hold your breath. Gently. Not until you turn blue. Rinse, repeat.
I.34 Diamond Jubilee version: What the Brits said: Keep calm and carry on.
I.35. Or, contemplate an object. Try staring at a tealight, or your husband’s head as he watches TV. Resist lighting your husband’s head on fire.
I.36 Or, contemplate the light in the mind’s eye. (Caution: Do not go towards the light unless it is really your time.)
I.37 Or, walk the pilgrim path in Spain and visit the bones of St. James in Santiago. Then drink some wine, bc the Spaniards really know grapes.
I.38 Or, get out that woo woo dream journal you started in 1998. The one with the flakey pic of an angel on the cover. Dream. Use it.
I.39 Your television is an unsuitable object of contemplation.
I.40 If you give up all TV, even the late show, you will achieve godlike powers beyond the entertainment rewards of Jimmy Kimmel.